The Skinny (or chubby) on Smallbany and greater Crapital District Local Dives

Shametown will provide readers with vital information on local bars and clubs in the area.  Everything you will need to know is in here, including, but not limited to:

• How eaily you can get laid at the place
• Accurate Sausage/Clam ratios
• How Weird and deep it can get at certain hours at the joint
• What kinds of pigs you might be able to bring home with you
• Shametown will also strive to bring you the latest in Milf/Cougar alerts, as well as jailbait warnings and swinger notices.

………..ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

February 2010

The Bayou Café (Albany Location)
79 North Pearl
(518) 426-8550
www.bayoucafe.com

You can say what you want about owner Ralph Spillenger (like he’s a fucking crazy crackhead lunatic) but the fact of the matter is, he has one of the most successful establishments in the Albany area.  The Bayou Café is Mecca for cover bands from Albany and from outside of the region as well.  But hey, that’s not really a bad thing here.  The place is pretty nice, there are always plenty of broads, and the alcohol flows a plenty from the two bars in this joint.  It’s always a good mix and ratio of people here.  And the cover bands usually aren’t too bad.  Can it get weird here?  Sure, of course.  But it’s what you make of it.  Kapitol Magazine has to give props to the Bayou for always being that old reliable place in downtown Albany that you can go to see live music and see hot chicks.

The Lionheart
448 Madison Ave.  (At the corner of Lark and Madison)
(518) 436-9530
www.thelionheartpub.com

I have a story to tell about this place that may set the mood for you the next time you enter this place.  It was probably around 2005, and my buddies and I were just hangin’ at the bar.  It was a Thursday night, sometime during the fall semester, and the Lionheart was packed.  There were tons of little chicks running around, and it was just a good fucking time.  So people are dancing and the Juke box is bumpin’ and all of a sudden these two super cute chicks start grinding on each other, and then start jamming their hands down each others pants hardcore while they make out with each other.  This went on for a good 20 minutes.  My friends and I immediately “sprung” into action, molesting these tramps on the dance floor, and they loved it.  Needless to say, this doesn’t happen every fucking night here, but you can always expect some fresh clam during the school year.  The Lionheart also has a shitload of specialty drafts, and is also home to pool leagues and dart leagues as well.  This is another reliable place that you can go to and pretty much guarantee a good time.

Chico’s BBQ
2490 Western Avenue Guilderland (way up Western, just past 146 and 20 near Stewarts)
(518) 456-0940
chicosbbq.com

First off, if you live in Guilderland, especially the western half, I’m sorry.  There is absofuckinglutely nothing to do in that town, unless you are a rich yuppie doctor or lawyer, in which case you would spend your days going to Town meetings complaining that your neighbor farted on your perfect grass.  Chico’s is located in that western half, and being the adventurous types, Shametown said what the fuck and gave it a whirl.  Let me tell you, pussy wise, this place is a dead zone.  After being in there for a few minutes we quickly realized that the only people that frequent this joint are burnt out, washed up Harley wanna-be douchebags.  It was just disgusting, even by our standards.  What about the food you ask?  Fucking horrible, with high prices.  The ribs were OK, but as for anything else, like the fries which were soggy and shitty, and the chicken sandwich that was tiny, it was sub par.  I wonder why there aren’t any cool spots in Guilderland?  Could it be that the Nazi – pig cops in that town won’t have any of it?

January 2010:

Also check out our Shametown exclusive on the Capital Hideaway Gentelmens club here>>

Ralph’s Tavern
1328 Central Ave. (Colonie)
518-489-8290
http://www.Ralphstaverninc.com

Our Shametown scouts kicked off one of their sleazy evenings at Ralph’s Tavern.  First off, there were no chicks.  It looked more like a geriatrics ward than a bar where you could pick up strange (the sausage/clam/old people ratio was 10/1/89).  However, the food at this place is absolutely incredible, and there are plenty of TVs for you homo sports fans out there.  Ralph’s is a good place to bring a chick that you met at a supermarket, or on AshleyMadison.com, for a nice quiet dinner before you fuck her brains out at the nearby Coccas Motel.  Again, the food is fucking phenomenal.  This is where you can load up on delicious carbs and protein to fuel the fuck fest that you will hopefully have after you wine and dine your little slut on the side.  It also has a dark ambiance inside, perfect for those “butterface chicks” that you may inevitably find yourself with.

Pearl Street Pub
1 Steuben Place (Right on North Pearl, Downtown Albany)
518-694-3100

This place used to be the Pearl before it got shut down for importing underage patrons via shuttle bus from nearby colleges and universities.  Before, when it was the Pearl, the vibe was more Jersey shore / Strong Island SUNY Jap-ville.  Now, under new ownership, it pretty much seems like a straight up, decent pub, with a good mix of people.  You might get some 21 year old groups of girls (awesome) and you might get some Thursday night housewife warriors trying to rub up on some cock (even better).  Cool music was playing when our scouts rolled in (AC/DC).  Sausage/Clam was reported at approximately 50/50.  This is a very clean place, with decent bathrooms.  The inside is very large with tables and chairs spread throughout.  We’ll have to see how this place shapes over time.

Graneys Bar and Grill
275 New Scotland Avenue (In between St. Peters and Albany Med)
518-453-3299
http://www.graneysbarandgrill.com

There are three things that you need to know immediately about Graneys.  One, they have an army of bartenders and waitresses that are hot and have huge, reportedly silicone free, tits.  Two, there are thirty TVs in this place (for you sports fags).  And three, it can be a good place if it’s the end of the night, you’ve struck out, and now you just want to resort to pounding some delicious wings (the kitchen is open pretty late).  But we don’t suggest throwing in the towel right away.  Shametown rolled in there on a night of a big football game, and it was slammed.  The clientèle is a mix of college kids and older people.  Sausage/clam was estimated at 60/40 on this night (not counting the chicks that work there).  Not too bad.  One other cool thing about this place; off to the corner near the bar is a creepy little nook with sofas and a table.  This is a perfect little shame space for “feeling out” the girl that you just met at the bar, or if you’ve got some good cock mojo, one of the super hot chicks that work there.  There is something for everyone at Graneys; food, sports, alcohol, and pussy!!!!  Shametown definitely recommends Graneys as a reliable source of fun, however you like it.

Bombers Burrito Bar
447 State Street (Downtown Schenectady location)
518-374-3548
http://www.bombersburritobar.com/
MMMMMMM, there’s nothing like eating some kick ass burritos and damaging your rectum during a night of womanizing and drinking.   The downtown Schenectady Bombers location is way bigger and a little cleaner than the Albany location (which is currently being renovated).  There are lots of little cuties there, and quite a bit of emo/rocker sluts either working there or getting wasted.  Sweet!  Shametown suggests drinking their horny margarita and doing some tequila shots to get the maximum experience of Bombers.  Sausage/clam was measured at 40/60 (the odds were in our favor).  They play some good tunes, and there is a good vibe here.  And did we mention that people get absolutely shitfaced here?  In fact, some chick recently passed out in a broom closet, only to be forgotten by her friends, and overlooked by the staff.  She woke up at 4:30am after closing, and was locked in!!!  This chick then proceeded to trip the silent alarm as she was making her way out.  Owner Matt Baumgartner stated that he wanted to find the girl “so that we can hang out.  She sounds fun.”  Fuck that!!!  Shametown wants her first!!!

December 2009:

Appletini’s Café
1118 Central Ave.  Colonie across the street from Osborne
518-489-2990
http://www.appletiniscafe.com

If you are a dude into banging Milfs and Cougars, this is the place for you.  On any given night you are bound to run into some strange at this place, but the best nights to get yer’ swerve on here are Thurs – Saturday nights.  Friday and Saturday it can get especially packed, and it’s these nights when the pickings are very ripe, as one might say.  The really cool thing about this place though is the fact that there could be a hot momma shaking her fat ass on the dance floor, and her 21 year old daughter and her friends will be doing the mating dance of Smallbany right next to her.  Whether you like your pussy fresh or tastefully aged, you’ll be at home here.  And it can get fairly deep as far as the weirdness factor is concerned here.  Ohh, I almost forgot about the ladies that may be reading this.  There is plenty of dick here for you little cockgoblins, and our research shows that the most used pickup line by guys at Appletinis’ is “You ladies wanna go to Dicarlos with us????”

Valentines
17 New Scotland Ave Albany near Albany Med but in the Fucking Ghetto
518-432-6572
http://www.valentinesalbany.com

There was a time when this was one the cooler clubs to check out a real rock show, but that time has long passed.  Located in one of the shittiest parts of Smallbany, this shithole now hosts mostly obscure and retarded bands.  The beer is sometimes warm, and the one chick that bartends (last we checked) is fat and unfriendly.  Now I know this is supposed to be a rock club and all, but I wouldn’t walk into the bathrooms if you have any cuts on your body due to the risk of contracting HIV.  Seriously.  It’s a shame, there used to be cool shows upstairs and down, but the underlying facts remain.  The likelihood of you getting raped and murdered outside the club is high.  There is ZERO parking.  You could theoretically pick up some super strange ass in this place, but your chances for disease are high.  We at Kapitol Magazine are devoted to banging everything and anything (with a vagina) but this is one place that we will have to caution our readers against.  Our scouts have not been able to report back sausage/clam ratios because they did not make it out of there alive.

Club Phoenix
348 Central Ave. Albany
518-462-4862

Needless to say we are pretty sure this is a gay bar.  This review was written from the perspective of a heterosexual Shametown scout rolling in here because some chick dragged him in here.  Our scout reported feelings of “what the fuck am I doing here” just before entering the establishment.  However, as he entered and started to settle in, those feelings quickly subsided.  Now I think we need to offer some explanation at this point.  Club Phoenix, aesthetically speaking, is a cool club, with great sound, a great bar, and a great dance floor.  The atmosphere is pretty cool too.  Yes, you are in a gay bar, but once you get past your right wing gay hating tendencies, you realize that everyone there is cool.  The best part however is the amount of STRAIGHT CHICKS that come into this place.  Our scout reported a 25/75 sausage clam ratio, and the best part was that entire percentage of dudes were not fighting over the vagina in the joint!!!!!  Now obviously some of the chicks were diking out, but the possibilities of threesomes with chicks could be endless, given you have the right mojo on the dance floor, and in your pants.  As far weirdness, well, there were a few trannys there, and they were very convincing, so be careful (if that isn’t your cup of tea).  The non tranny chicks tend to be very hot, with a few scattered pigs.  Overall a pretty cool place if you are open minded and willing to try out new and creative methods of finding poon.

Partridge Pub
869 Madison Ave. Albany
518-482-9839

Those of us who know the pub of years past will look back at it fondly as a source of unlimited strange college ass, from hot to sloppy and everything in between.  Recently the pub has undergone some renovations, but the same vibe pretty much remains.  When college is in session, you can bet it will be balls packed on almost any night.  Most of the people in the place are very young, just babies.  If you’re looking to rob the cradle, you will do exceedingly well; given you follow a few simple rules.  First off, if you are over 23, you are old in this place.  You may want to keep this in mind before you rock your old Tesla shirt and tight white jeans from 1987 in this place.  Sausage/clam ratios can change quickly and repeatedly throughout the night, so if its looking bad for you, hang in there for a few minutes longer and your luck can change dramatically.  The main rule of thumb however at these college joints is that the weirdness doesn’t get started until late, so we would suggest that you wait until 11pm or later.