A Simplified Explanation For The Simple Minded
By Lucky Charms

Just when you thought it was dead and gone the ‘entertainment permits’ have reared their ugly heads once again here in the city of Albany (Ordinance 9.12.10). Since this proposed ordinance first came to the surface there have been several (very poor, I might add) attempts at explaining said legislation for mass consumption in several local publications. Not that it matters much to most who were concerned with the story since it seems most moronic musicians in this town can’t spend enough time actually reading a document and using any amount of critical thinking to deduce what is being proposed. My disdain for the general electorate in this area had subsided since the 2008 election but was reignited after reading comments on various message boards littered across the internet.

Let’s set the record straight here:

What is being proposed is a permit system for both bars/taverns and restaurants in relation to hosting either a) a DJ, B) a karaoke machine, or C) a live band or performer. Each establishment would need to pay a $300 fee and file paperwork relating to liquor licenses, maximum occupancy ratings and various other specifics (which I will delve into later in this article).

Now let me stop you there, torch and pitchfork bearing masses. Stay your hand, psychotic anti-government tea-baggers. For the love of Christ, smash your keyboard and computer into a million pieces, ye local musicians who have an internet connection and just enough of a brain to operate it (smash it AFTER you read my article, of course).

This proposed ordinance has NOTHING to do with trying to kill the local music scene. If anything, it has the trappings of a burden to small businesses. The amended ordinance, included along with the definitions of what is considered a ‘tavern’ or ‘restaurant’ in Albany County, lines out more specifics to each type of establishment:

TAVERN – An establishment where alcoholic beverages are sold to be consumed on the premises. Food may also be served, but it is secondary and incidental to the business. A bar, grill, saloon, pub, public house, beer garden or similar establishment is considered to be a “tavern.” The establishment may play music or other audio through a central audio system, including the use of a juke box. The use of a disc jockey (DJ), karaoke machine or live musical entertainment are not principally permitted uses for this establishment. However, the establishment may seek a permit from the City Clerk for each occasion on which the establishment seeks to employ or use a DJ, karaoke machine or live music. Said permit may be issued as set forth in Chapter 111 of the Code of the City Albany.

RESTAURANT - Any establishment which prepares and serves meals for consumption on premises or to take away. The establishment may play music or other audio through a central audio system, including the use of a juke box. The use of a disc jockey (DJ), karaoke machine, or live musical entertainment are not principally permitted uses for this establishment. However, the establishment may seek a permit from the City Clerk for each occasion on which the establishment seeks to employ or use a dj, karaoke machine, or live music. Said permit may be issued as set forth in Chapter 111 of the Code of the City Albany.

Now any chucklehead with a brain can see that this affects only VERY specific types of establishments that will be effected by said proposed ordinance. Let’s dig a little deeper for those skeptical naysayers:

The Laws of Albany County currently define a ‘nightclub’ as:
An establishment where alcoholic beverages may be sold and consumed on the premises and where live entertainment and/or centrally controlled recorded performances take place and which may contain a stage, staging area and/or dance floor.

This definition covers most locations where performing artists and musicians frequent (Valentine’s, Savannah’s/Dublin Underground, Red Square, etc…). Again, I would like to again repeat and drive home the point that any chucklehead with a brain AND an internet connection could have found this out in about 5 minutes by using skills that they should have mastered in middle or high school. Instead there was an ill-informed backlash against something for reasons that didn’t exist.

With that said, I will say that this particular piece of legislation is a slap in the face to small and local businesses. As previously mentioned earlier this is a $300 fee that all non-nightclubs will incur if they decide to have a karaoke night or a DJ on site for a thumping party for those times of the year when the beer is flowing and the doorman seems to be blind to all the horribly chalked IDs being produced at the door. For those who braved the crowds this year for Lark Fest you may have, in a drunken stupor, stumbled by the Ben and Jerry’s and saw that they had crammed a full band into their small sitting area who were happily blasting away to the pleasure of the crowd (they were all probably taking refuge from the sonic punishment that was Moby). Perhaps next year this type of thing will not be allowed to take place due to permitting restrictions. Washington Tavern on Western Avenue has live music and karaoke various times throughout the year. Are they willing to fork out $300 just to have a live band a few times?

Complicating this issue is the fact that included with your permit must be a list of events that you plan on having for the whole year. Yes, the whole entire year. Meaning in January you need to know exactly what you are doing in December. In addition, you are required to list expected attendance at said event nearly 11 months away. Any additions to your original permit will cost you $50 which in itself is absolutely ridiculous. The likelihood of that occurring is so high that businesses might as well set aside hundreds of dollars a year from their budget to prepare for the onslaught of further fees. Some might just say ‘fuck it’ and try and operate under the radar and have a DJ, karaoke machine or live music; however, if caught they will be fined between $300 and $1000 for their trouble. Might as well fill out the damn paperwork anyway if that’s how bad you are going to get boned.

What the genesis for this ordinance is I do not know. Perhaps it’s a way to crack down on noise complaints due to bars being located in the heart of residential areas (and a quick way to make some extra cash to help out the struggling city budget). If that is the case I can almost empathize with proposing something like this. Imagine if you lived right next to a bar and along with dealing with drunken assholes screaming at the top of their lungs all hours of the night you might then have to deal with a bar band playing a 4 hour set until 2am while your newborn kid is screaming its head off because of the noise.