A Typical night on Lark Street

-By The Anal Shapeshifter

Johnny Biffton found himself stalking up and down Lark Street at 3 am on a hot summer Saturday night (I know, it would technically be Sunday you assholes).  He was drunk, and he was looking for some hot ass.  Well, actually, at this point he would probably be content with anything that had a vaginal gash and/or an asshole.   On this fine evening, the pickins definitely were not slim, if you catch my drift.  The sidewalks were filled with all sorts of fat, drunken semen dumps, or SD’s (slang for drunken slut whores whose only use is to dump loads into their asses).  I must point out that there were also a few skinny crack whore SD’s out as well.  Earlier in the night, Johnny and his buddies were swillin’ brew and running game on some of the hot looking ladies at Legends Sports Bar (Note: The term “hot looking girls” in Albany is a gross overstatement, we will simply use it as a point of reference to refer to the best looking pigs in a sea of shit).  They were throwing out the usual bullshit pickup lines, complete with all of the “hey baby’s” and “looking good honey’s” just to see what dumb broads they can reel in.  By around 2 am, all of Johnny’s buddies had hooked up and were already back at their apartment.  Johnny had struck out all night, and now he was getting anxious.  3am can be the last call for ass on these streets.  When it comes to picking up some strange at this time of night, it’s do or die. You’re either sliding your cock into some punani or going home and making sweet love to your pillow.

Before we go on, let me give you a little background on Johnny and his buddies.  Johnny is your typical biffy, prepped out guy that drinks Bud and tries to act hard to impress “the ladies.”  The funny thing is, this homo smokes Newport’s and listens to Dave Matthews band.  He drives a Honda Civic with a little noisemaker on the exhaust to make it sound loud.  He spends his time at work on myspace and Aim talking to 13 year old girls (see “To catch a Predator, Albany, coming soon).  Just out of college, he and his buddies got an apartment right off of Lark Street for the sole purpose of “macking bitches.” Johnny’s buddies are all exact clones of him.  They all look like they work out and are staples at the local gym, but the truth is that they are roided out to the max.  These guys are total douchbags that suck off of the tit of society and contribute nothing.  In other countries, these guys would’ve been dragged into the street and shot in the head long ago, but in America, these fake fags are somehow able to survive, and thrive at that.  In fact, they are the poster boys of the current generation of 20-somethings.  Amazing!    Anyhow, this story isn’t all about how fucked up this generation is.  We will save that for another time.  This story is about Johnny and a gerbil covered in semen and shit.  A very special cum – and shit drenched gerbil.

Alright now where were we?  Ahhh yes,  we were at the part where Johnny is creeping down Lark Street packing a drunken 4 inch boner (that leans a little to the left and has some beautiful budding sprouts of herpes on it).  He was looking for some meat and finally, he found it.  An SD weighing roughly a buck 80 wearing a Harley Davidson shirt and jeans that looked 20 sizes too small was smoking a cigarette outside of a little basement bar called Suzie’s.  She looked like a little bear.  Her tits were tiny and her belly was large.  We will call her, “Biggy smalls.”  She looked at Johnny walking by and said in a smoky tone, “You ride?  I ride, hehehehehe.”  Johnny took the disgusting double entendre motorcycle reference as a cue for some action.  “Why don’t we ride back at my place,” Johnny sloppily suggested.  Biggy thought about it and took a deep, long drag off her cig, then slammed it on the ground and said “Alright, let’s roll cutey.”

When they got to Johnny’s apartment, all of his buddies and the semen dumps they picked up were spread out on various couches and passed out.  One girl looked liked she had been raped and murdered; she was naked and covered in blood and jizz.  However upon further inspection, Johnny was able to conclude that she simply was on her rag when Johnny’s buddy fucked the shit out of her.   It seemed that all of the good spots were taken, so Johnny and Biggy Smalls had to settle for the bathroom floor next to the toilet.  Johnny proceeded to lie on his back while she stripped and mounted him.  His cock slid into her pussy (if you could call it that) easily, almost too easily.  It was so loose that Johnny wondered if he could fit his head inside to take a peek.   He would soon find out that the Holy Grail was not inside of her pussy, but in her shithole.

Biggy started bouncing up and down on Johnny’s cock.  Her itty bitty titties were flapping a little, and her stomach was flapping a lot.  While they were copulating, she lit up a cig and started puffing away.  What a horrifying sight this must have been.  If I were a fly on the wall for this sexual holocaust, I would’ve flown straight towards the blue light.  “How about a little doggy style baby?”  Johnny suggested.  “Sounds good cupcake,” Biggy replied, secretly wishing she had some cupcakes to munch on.  They switched positions and resumed their intercourse.  Her tits and tummy went from flapping to swinging in the air.  They looked like udders.  On top of that, she was queefing her brains out.  The bathroom filled with the smell of rotting fish and a 2 month old egg sandwich.  Now let me tell you, it looked more like retarded piggy style, if you were to correctly classify it.

As Johnny was thrusting his 4 inches of manhood into her wretched gash, he noticed he was suffering from an extreme case of TDTF (too drunk to fuck).  “I know,” Johnny thought “I always get off on anal.”  So he proceeded to slide his little peter into her enormous ass.  “Are you sure you want to do that, sonny?”  Biggy barked.  “Why, is that a problem?”  Johnny asked, surprised.  Biggy thought for a moment, still sucking on her smoke.  “No, probably not.  He probably won’t come out…….”

But Johnny didn’t wait to hear what she was saying.  He plunged his dick into that deep, brown abyss.  Her asshole was easily 4 times the size of her cunt, and he was already starting to notice some fresh brown shit on his cock.  Then suddenly, he noticed blood as well.  “What the fuck!?” Johnny exclaimed.  But it was too late.  “AAAHHHH!!!  AAAAHHH!!!  Something is eating my cock!!!!  AAHHHH hellppp!!!!  Make it stop!!!!”  The pain was excruciating.  Johnny tried to pull out, but to no avail.  The pain continued, and got worse.  At this point Johnny started crying and shit himself.  Biggy didn’t seem to do anything; she just kept puffing away on those Marb Reds.  In fact, Biggie seemed to enter a trance like state, similar to the guy who was the host body for Quato in Total Recall.  Johnny kept pulling and jerking, trying with all of his drunken will to pull out, and finally he did.  Except that whatever was biting his dick had actually chewed it right off.  “AAAHHHH!!!!  Holy shit” Johnny screamed.  At this point, Biggies bowels had a major release, spraying Johnny with semi-solid chunks of shit.  He was covered in shit, semen, and blood, and it was all over the bathroom as well.  Johnny started to pass out from the loss of blood, but just as he was about to hit unconsciousness, he noticed a beautiful, radiant white light emanating from Biggy’s asshole.  From out of the depths, he could faintly see something small and furry emerging with his penis in its mouth.  As it came into the light, he could finally make out what it was.  It was a gerbil, and it was cloaked in a robe of shit, blood, and cum.  It started to levitate in the air right in front of Johnny’s face.   At that very same moment, all of the shit, jizz, and blood reconstituted on the wall in the sign of the cross.  And then the Gerbil spoke in a tone that was a dead on match for Joe Pesci in Casino.

God, pictured here, talking to Johnny

“Johnny, I am God.  You are a piece of shit waste of life.  Look at you, your sittin’ here with your cock chewed off, all fucked up on the floor with a monster of a woman beside you.  There is a reason you are here in this predicament, my son.  You have gone through your life as a selfish little prick who listens to shitty music and tries too hard to act cool.  You have fucked over a lot of people, and have never thought of anyone but yourself.  But I have good news my son, there is a way to repent and save yourself.  You must accept the sacrament of MY Holy Communion, and only then will your soul be saved.”

And with that, the gerbil (God) placed Johnny’s penis into his bloody hands.

“Repeat after me son.  The Body of Christ.”

Johnny was locked into a deep trance at this point, and was currently not in control of his body.

“Body of Christ,” Johnny muttered, and proceeded to place his genitals into his mouth and eat it.

“Now my son, The Blood of Christ.”

“Blood of Christ,” Johnny mumbled, and now proceeded to drink the ass of a 3 month old bottle of Heineken sitting next to the toilet.  And then, he slipped into unconsciousness.